It seems whenever I blog, the perfect songs come on my iPod. Blackbird by the Beatles just played (hence the title), and now our high school graduation song Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey is playing. I have pretty much been home since school got out, but now I have returned to do some research, which is why I haven’t been blogging in awhile (sorry guys)! Today is a very strange day for me. I am complete alone and feeling a little lonely, but there is a famous quote, “You are never alone as you think you are”, which I am hoping is true because I really feel alone. I went from a very loving and caring family environment to solitude. I haven’t spoken a word since yesterday afternoon! I think I’m beginning to forget the sound of my own voice. Along with this loneliness comes the dark seductive plague of the depression or the lows that accompany it. I didn’t get up until ten this morning (I usually get up at 8), my picking tick has returned (my nails are down to a stub, and the back of my ear looks like a very large cat mauled it. Those, however, are not the strangest things. Along with this very low low, some questions of mine have started to click. These include imperfectness, control, selfishness, and why I get so low in the first place.
I was lying in bed wide awake at five o’ clock when construction and yard work began on campus. I already knew what kind of day today was going to be because I do not handle loneliness and being alone well at all. For some random reason that makes no sense to me at all, I finally realized that I cannot strive to be perfect. It is impossible. Not only is it impossible, it only makes me defeated, which results in my self-esteem plummeting, so why even try to be perfect? I think goals would be much better to try and work with than trying to be perfect.
Along with this comes my issue of control. After my first semester in college, I wanted to quit, but my parents wouldn’t let me. I think ever since then, I have tried too hard to be in control of other peoples lives instead of my own because I feel that mine is being controlled by other people. Namely, I have control issues with my boyfriend, but we both accept that this is something that I will work on and that it is an issue to begin with.
I am also a very selfish person. I was so down last night, I did not want to talk to my boyfriend, my rock, savior, angel, lover, and best friend. Not once, did I think about how selfish this was. I did not think about how it might affect him that we are both in different towns right now and that he might have wanted to talk to me. Maybe in that mental state I did not think that he wanted to talk to me, though I know that the rational part of my brain knew that that was completely ridiculous. I was SO selfish. Not once did I think that maybe there was something that he was having issues with and wanted to talk to me about. I was not in the mood for talking. That was that.
The imperfectness, control, and selfishness all come down to one idea that finally clicked in my very emotive brain. The reason that I feel that I have to be perfect, in control, and selfish, especially at times where I am completely alone is because I have never been in control of my life. I have never been given the option to completely screw up my life. My entire family made sure of that. I was always told what to do, and I was happy to oblige because it made me feel good about myself. This is why I am so caring to a fault. Because I grew up taking care of others and not myself, so when on days I can do whatever the fuck I want to, but have no plan, or idea of what I want to do, I freak. I get sad. I miss my family and that missing starts to lead me down a path that I refuse to go down. Because in addition to being imperfect, selfish, and a control freak, I am also a fighter…