Author Archives: femfly0828

Dreaded Interview Question

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This past summer, I learned about a concept that I wish I would have known about before: the quarter-life crisis. Had I known what this was before, perhaps I would not be feeling like I am now. You see, a few days ago I had a fleeting thought about who I truly was. If one was to look at any of my profiles, one would see that I am from a small town, who went to a small university, for psychology with a women’s studies minor. They would see that I am now closing on graduating and that I have some major plans to figure out with my boyfriend of more than four years. Their is absolutely nothing fantastic about that profile. Many people my age are enrolled in school , are in a relationship, and are making plans for the future.

This brings me to my question. If I were at an interview for a job, and the interviewer asked me who I was besides on this résumé, what would I say. Who am I? What weaknesses and strengths do I have? How does anyone answer that question? I guess that I would say that I am a very nice and empathetic person who can handle a lot of conflicts from people, Besides those four (pathetic) traits, who am I?

I’m not a rebel. I do not do daring things or push the envelope. I am not edgy or avante garde. Sure, I own some Beatles, Paramore, and Marilyn Monroe shirts, but who doesn’t? I don’t think that classifies me as a rebel.

I’m not a goody-two shoes either. I don’t have ruby red slippers and a blue plaid dress in my closet. Okay. I do have a very dorathy-ish dress in my closet, but I digress. I can still stir things up and raise hell when I need to, want to, or am bored.

I’m not really hard working compared to other students I know. Sure, I tutor three hours a week, maintain a decent GPA and have nice qualities to put on my résumé, but that doesn’t exactly define who I am.

When this question first popped into my head, my initial reaction was that I am a chicken. I always play it safe. I don’t raise too much hell, and I’m not exactly noticeable. I fly under the radar, get done what I need to and make sure that there is a little time left for me to rewind before it all begins again. I love tea, knitting, reading, baking, and the 20’s. Based on those traits, one would thing that I am a very stay-at-home-mom type. Hello women’s studies credits? That doesn’t scream me either.

So who am I? Does anybody know who they are? Do I just over think this, or should I be concerned that I don’t exactly have an identity? The problem is, as soon as I give myself an identity, I will feel like I am being put into a box and people try to do that to me enough as it is. There is a helluva lot more to me than four corners, I don’t exactly fit into anyone category or stereotype, and while I am not afraid of that (like I feel some people are), I would not know how to answer that dreaded question in an interview…

Blackbirds Broken Wings

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It seems whenever I blog, the perfect songs come on my iPod. Blackbird by the Beatles just played (hence the title), and now our high school graduation song Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey is playing. I have pretty much been home since school got out, but now I have returned to do some research, which is why I haven’t been blogging in awhile (sorry guys)! Today is a very strange day for me. I am complete alone and feeling a little lonely, but there is a famous quote, “You are never alone as you think you are”, which I am hoping is true because I really feel alone. I went from a very loving and caring family environment to solitude. I haven’t spoken a word since yesterday afternoon! I think I’m beginning to forget the sound of my own voice. Along with this loneliness comes the dark seductive plague of the depression or the lows that accompany it. I didn’t get up until ten this morning (I usually get up at 8), my picking tick has returned (my nails are down to a stub, and the back of my ear looks like a very large cat mauled it. Those, however, are not the strangest things. Along with this very low low, some questions of mine have started to click. These include imperfectness, control, selfishness, and why I get so low in the first place.

I was lying in bed wide awake at five o’ clock when construction and yard work began on campus. I already knew what kind of day today was going to be because I do not handle loneliness and being alone well at all. For some random reason that makes no sense to me at all, I finally realized that I cannot strive to be perfect. It is impossible. Not only is it impossible, it only makes me defeated, which results in my self-esteem plummeting, so why even try to be perfect? I think goals would be much better to try and work with than trying to be perfect.

Along with this comes my issue of control. After my first semester in college, I wanted to quit, but my parents wouldn’t let me. I think ever since then, I have tried too hard to be in control of other peoples lives instead of my own because I feel that mine is being controlled by other people. Namely, I have control issues with my boyfriend, but we both accept that this is something that I will work on and that it is an issue to begin with.

I am also a very selfish person. I was so down last night, I did not want to talk to my boyfriend, my rock, savior, angel, lover, and best friend. Not once, did I think about how selfish this was. I did not think about how it might affect him that we are both in different towns right now and that he might have wanted to talk to me. Maybe in that mental state I did not think that he wanted to talk to me, though I know that the rational part of my brain knew that that was completely ridiculous. I was SO selfish. Not once did I think that maybe there was something that he was having issues with and wanted to talk to me about. I was not in the mood for talking. That was that.

The imperfectness, control,  and selfishness all come down to one idea that finally clicked in my very emotive brain. The reason that I feel that I have to be perfect, in control, and selfish, especially at times where I am completely alone is because I have never been in control of my life. I have never been given the option to completely screw up my life. My entire family made sure of that. I was always told what to do, and I was happy to oblige because it made me feel good about myself. This is why I am so caring to a fault. Because I grew up taking care of others and not myself, so when on days I can do whatever the fuck I want to, but have no plan, or idea of what I want to do, I freak. I get sad. I miss my family and that missing starts to lead me down a path that I refuse to go down. Because in addition to being imperfect, selfish, and a control freak, I am also a fighter…

In our lives

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Okay, this is so ironic because the song Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Bublé is playing. I have recently had a falling out with a long time friend, and another friendship, who was my lifeline for a long time, has started to show a side of herself that I have not seen since the beginning of our friendship about a year ago. A few days ago, we had a huge blow out, and I started to wonder about relationships of every kind whether they be friendships, family, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, or any kind of social interaction. Why do those people come into our lives? Are they supposed to only be in our lives for a certain amount of time, or are they supposed to stay in our lives forever, and the world uses it as a test? I have personally been working on making an effort to meet and sustain the interactions that I have with people, while at the same time uncluttering the relationships that I feel are toxic for me. Are we supposed to do this though? Are we supposed to make personally executive decisions not to be in contact with certain people that have come into our life. Is there a way of knowing if these people are a temptation or a God-send so to speak? Are there tests made by the world for social interaction? For example, someone makes small talk with one in the elevator. Are you supposed to think that there is more to that person, or perhaps that there is less to that person? Is there an innate instinct deeply en rooted in the human genetic make-up that lets one know when to proceed further in any kind of relationship, or is this a constant struggle for humans? If it is innate, then I must be later in the evolutionary or spiritual process than my other human counterparts…

The balance

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As I stated in my last blog, (thank you to all of the readers, comments, and subscribers) that while I was going through adjustment disorder last year, I found my voice, which helped me progress immensely. One of the biggest ways I made progress is through my feminist voice. Just to be clear, feminism ONLY means that women want equal right for both men and women. It does not mean that we want preferential rights. At least I don’t anyways. While I found this voice and it is wonderful I, however, have a hard time feeling feminine and drawing on those strengths. For example,  Thursday I was feeling very down on myself most likely because of the crappy weather. To try and cheer myself up, I wore a very feminine pink dress. As I was pulling it out I thought, “Why, why do I have to dress very feminine in order to feel good about myself. Why can’t I wear my normal jeans and t-shirt and feel completely glamorous?” I thought even further about why that was. Was it because of the societal standards that exist? Was it because of the societal standards I only think exists? Was it because I am insecure about myself, or was it a combination of a few or all of those reasons I just listed? I really do not know. I do think, however, that this is problematic. I should not need to dress in pink and lace and dresses in order to feel feminine.

I also found this problematic because I am a feminist. What I thought would solve the problem of my being down completely goes against everything that I feel that I should stand for as a feminist. I should feel completely brilliant, pretty, and loved in anything I wear because what I wear should not dictate how I feel. How I behave as a human in a patriarchal society should determine what I am and how I feel. Not my looks. Now, I am not completely naive. I know that psychologically it is nearly impossible to not judge someone on there looks, but I should not determine who I am or how I feel based on my looks. If society wants to judge me based on my looks and not me as a complex female human being, than that is fine with them. Good luck with that in life. I, however, want more for myself. I deserve more for myself. I demand more for myself. So to all of the ladies who when they feel down, dress up, don’t. You also should want more for yourself. You deserve more for yourself. You should demand for yourself.

 

Thinking Deeply

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I am a young female who is sorting out a lot right now. A year ago, I was going through a lot of mental issues, prescribed by me, a psychology major. I had a low self-esteem, was not eating, talking to anyone, or sleeping. I was void as a human being. This year, however, has been a different story. I understood that I was trying to control what I couldn’t and not controlling what I could. In essence,  I had some severe clarity, and I craved it. That is why I started doing yoga, eating more organic and healthy food, playing the piano again, listening to music, and having craft night. Also as a part of this clarity, some more major life events took place as well. I made some great friends, or so I thought, and found my voice through feminism. My relationship with my boyfriend couldn’t be better, I feel great most of the time, and I feel more healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. Some people who have come into my life recently, however, only want to hang out when they need advice or are having a hard time with life. They never want to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. This has been a recurring theme in my life, and I have been really reflecting on it lately. Why this happens to me that is. Is it because I am too nice? Too desperate for friends? Was it because I was socially deprived as a child, or a combination of all of them? Another related topic that I have been wondering about is how much of our needs should be suppressed for others because I feel that I am there way more for others than they would ever be for me. I guess that is just the curse of being a nice person…