Monthly Archives: April 2013

In our lives

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Okay, this is so ironic because the song Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Bublé is playing. I have recently had a falling out with a long time friend, and another friendship, who was my lifeline for a long time, has started to show a side of herself that I have not seen since the beginning of our friendship about a year ago. A few days ago, we had a huge blow out, and I started to wonder about relationships of every kind whether they be friendships, family, romantic relationships, sexual relationships, or any kind of social interaction. Why do those people come into our lives? Are they supposed to only be in our lives for a certain amount of time, or are they supposed to stay in our lives forever, and the world uses it as a test? I have personally been working on making an effort to meet and sustain the interactions that I have with people, while at the same time uncluttering the relationships that I feel are toxic for me. Are we supposed to do this though? Are we supposed to make personally executive decisions not to be in contact with certain people that have come into our life. Is there a way of knowing if these people are a temptation or a God-send so to speak? Are there tests made by the world for social interaction? For example, someone makes small talk with one in the elevator. Are you supposed to think that there is more to that person, or perhaps that there is less to that person? Is there an innate instinct deeply en rooted in the human genetic make-up that lets one know when to proceed further in any kind of relationship, or is this a constant struggle for humans? If it is innate, then I must be later in the evolutionary or spiritual process than my other human counterparts…

The balance

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As I stated in my last blog, (thank you to all of the readers, comments, and subscribers) that while I was going through adjustment disorder last year, I found my voice, which helped me progress immensely. One of the biggest ways I made progress is through my feminist voice. Just to be clear, feminism ONLY means that women want equal right for both men and women. It does not mean that we want preferential rights. At least I don’t anyways. While I found this voice and it is wonderful I, however, have a hard time feeling feminine and drawing on those strengths. For example,  Thursday I was feeling very down on myself most likely because of the crappy weather. To try and cheer myself up, I wore a very feminine pink dress. As I was pulling it out I thought, “Why, why do I have to dress very feminine in order to feel good about myself. Why can’t I wear my normal jeans and t-shirt and feel completely glamorous?” I thought even further about why that was. Was it because of the societal standards that exist? Was it because of the societal standards I only think exists? Was it because I am insecure about myself, or was it a combination of a few or all of those reasons I just listed? I really do not know. I do think, however, that this is problematic. I should not need to dress in pink and lace and dresses in order to feel feminine.

I also found this problematic because I am a feminist. What I thought would solve the problem of my being down completely goes against everything that I feel that I should stand for as a feminist. I should feel completely brilliant, pretty, and loved in anything I wear because what I wear should not dictate how I feel. How I behave as a human in a patriarchal society should determine what I am and how I feel. Not my looks. Now, I am not completely naive. I know that psychologically it is nearly impossible to not judge someone on there looks, but I should not determine who I am or how I feel based on my looks. If society wants to judge me based on my looks and not me as a complex female human being, than that is fine with them. Good luck with that in life. I, however, want more for myself. I deserve more for myself. I demand more for myself. So to all of the ladies who when they feel down, dress up, don’t. You also should want more for yourself. You deserve more for yourself. You should demand for yourself.

 

Thinking Deeply

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I am a young female who is sorting out a lot right now. A year ago, I was going through a lot of mental issues, prescribed by me, a psychology major. I had a low self-esteem, was not eating, talking to anyone, or sleeping. I was void as a human being. This year, however, has been a different story. I understood that I was trying to control what I couldn’t and not controlling what I could. In essence,  I had some severe clarity, and I craved it. That is why I started doing yoga, eating more organic and healthy food, playing the piano again, listening to music, and having craft night. Also as a part of this clarity, some more major life events took place as well. I made some great friends, or so I thought, and found my voice through feminism. My relationship with my boyfriend couldn’t be better, I feel great most of the time, and I feel more healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. Some people who have come into my life recently, however, only want to hang out when they need advice or are having a hard time with life. They never want to hang out just for the sake of hanging out. This has been a recurring theme in my life, and I have been really reflecting on it lately. Why this happens to me that is. Is it because I am too nice? Too desperate for friends? Was it because I was socially deprived as a child, or a combination of all of them? Another related topic that I have been wondering about is how much of our needs should be suppressed for others because I feel that I am there way more for others than they would ever be for me. I guess that is just the curse of being a nice person…